Things I Hate on Campus

Class Etiquette for the Behaviorally Challenged

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givling asked: Don't tell me those cap cars are for your campus cops! Why? WHY? How much could campus cop cars possibly need to do, it's not like there's gonna be a high speed chase!

That’s what I ALWAYS say. Those cars cost up to $100,000!

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In Class: The Loud Eater

"Chomp chomp chomp," goes the inconsiderate jerk sitting behind me. I can’t pay attention to the lecture I paid 40 dollars for because every other word is interrupted by the earth-shattering, Dorito-induced sonic wave expelled from his mouth. Is that really necessary? Class may seem like forever, but in real time, it’s not that long. There’s like 20 minutes left and the convenience store is right across the quad. What’s even worse is the fact that he thinks he’s being stealthy by timing his bites to coincide with the professor’s sentence-initial words. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING I’M RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Sporadic chomping is even more unbearable when I’ve caught onto your rhythm and can predict every fucking bite.

I understand that class can be boring and boredom can sometimes inspire hunger. I get that all the time. But please have the courtesy to choose a snack that won’t mistakenly trigger a Nam-style flashback to the poor 60-year old veteran sitting in the front who’s just trying to get that English degree he always wanted. How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Or….a Snickers bar. Actually on second thought…candy wrappers also piss me off. You know what’s the worst? Celery. Fuck celery.


Filed under in class loud eater chomp

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In Class: Classroom heat

     There’s nothing worse than the overwhelming feeling of being in a poorly ventilated classroom with 25 to 250 other people. Depending on the size and type of room you are in, this problem can be overlooked, particularly if you are in a large lecture hall with high ceilings or if the amount of time you must spend around other vile organisms is around one merciful hour. There is no escaping the fate of the small crowded classroom, however, which stinks up fast as people talk, cough, sneeze, spit, gleet, breathe, emit B.O. or pass gas in class (haven’t heard a culprit yet but I know he/she is there). Apart from the bodies constantly doing bodily organism things, the main source of heat radiates from vapid answers expelled from ignorant classmates as they fight to one-up each other with unrelated points and enough reiterating to make a politician proud. The resulting hot air stagnates within the room, creating a cumulonimbus of foreign smells and ignorance. The cloud reaches ever corner of the room and eventually finds me, ready to hit a bitch behind the head with a dictionary, simultaneously introducing proper noun usage to his/her thick skull but mostly creating some air circulation.

Side effects of hot air may include anger, headaches, sore throat, nausea, impaired vision, reduction of brain cells, swine flu, extreme cynicism, lack of motivation in humankind, and death (by boredom).


Filed under hot air in class college annoying

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In Class: “going off of what he said…”

     Nothing frustrates me more than having to share the same classroom with people who love the sound of their own voice more than the sheer obligation to actually say something relevant. I’m consistently blown away by the number of students who seem to assume that because the fledgling media critic sitting to their right made a snarky comment about the professor’s claim that Aristotle’s genres of rhetorical discourse are still used today (which is indeed a fact), it automatically entitles them to rearrange his words in a manner that so cunningly repeats the same idea with a different voice. “Going off of what he said, I think our modes of communication have evolved into a blah blah blah…” Yeah, thanks, we already heard it. Next time do yourself a favor and politely presume that we were already paying attention to the first guy. Aristotle would have wanted it.


Filed under what he said in class frustrating